Dododreams

I am a touch glum this evening, and it’s me doing it to myself.

In case you haven’t noticed, there’s a Wishlist link over there ——> on the right side of the page. I’ve locked and unlocked the damned thing several times so far because one side of me feels it’s piggishly demanding to list anything at all but then the other (logical) side me thinks that well, if someone wants to get me something, maybe this will send them in the direction of something that might be useful. Overall though it’s a joke, and not in the “hee! she’s so amusing way” but more in the slightly derisive “ha!” way because we all know that I have way too much stuff right now and certainly don’t deserve more.

(The whole topics of receiving gifts is a touchy one for me, as you can see. It’s a paradox, wanting a token of some sort that shows affection but feeling so awkward about indicating what that item might be.)

The funny thing (and again not “hee!” funny) is that the things on that list don’t represent what I really want. Those things are Big and they are Secret.

I’ll tell a little story to demonstrate what I mean. A couple years ago I was out walking one night with the Boobie Doctor and made a small mistake by revealing something. I mentioned in passing how it had been a true disappointment to realize that I would never go to outer space. He laughed at me, not in a malicious way, but what I had said struck him by surprise. I meant it though — having seen Star Trek at such a young age and devoured science fiction books my entire life, it look an amazingly long time to come to grips that I would personally never know that future. His laughter stung a little because it held up a mirror that made me realize how ridiculous it was for me to ever have the dream of extraterrestrial travel. My sincerity in having that dream made me foolish. I was embarrassed in having ever had that dream.

It’s equally foolish to not be able to eradicate the desire for the Big and Secret things. They also won’t happen. The disappointment in myself is that it’s so difficult to come to grips with the fact that I will never have them either.