Wrong place, wrong time, Anansi

May 28th, 2010

So, picture this. I was relaxing in the tub, hot water up to my chin, thinking happy thoughts and gradually parboiling while slowly swinging my legs back and forth to make gentle waves. Suddenly I noticed a bit of flotsam had washed up on my chest — not an unusual occurrence as often there’s a little bit of sock lint or cat hair inadvertently carried into the bathtub.

I looked down to flick it off and froze. Christ on a cracker, it had legs. Long deep brown legs. Many of them. My thought process went something like this run-on sentence:

“Oh shit oh shit oh shit it’s a fucking spider thank god hot water kills spiders oh my god it’s on my CHEST there’s a fucking SPIDER ON MY CHEST OH SHIT.”

At that moment I became very brave and slowly reached over to pinch one leg — “Oh god oh god this is so disgusting I’ve got to get it off me…” — so I could pitch it out of the tub. And I did! Only then to immediately think…

“Oh shit IT CAME BACK TO LIFE!!!! It’s scurrying towards…. OH CRAP! IT WENT INTO! MY! SHOE!!!!”

Needless to say this was not a very agreeable turn of events. Christ. I couldn’t just ignore this. Out of the tub.

So, picture this. A dripping wet naked woman, one hand full of a wad of kleenex, hesitantly reaching over with the other to stealthily grab a shoe, quickly turn it upside down and tap it against the floor, and zap the creepy crawly beast that was knocked out. Not the relaxing bath event either the spider or I had hoped for at the end of a long day.